Many people will be thinking of romance and how to treat their partner this weekend now that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. If you’re looking for guidance though, I’d highly recommend thinking twice before turning to video games for advice.
For every protagonist couple destined to be together, there’s another which seems totally unlikely and confuses us; and for every charming compliment used by a hero to woo their sweetheart, there’s an opposite which is far too cringey. It’s the latter that we’re going to dig into today as we take a look at some of the worst chat-up lines in gaming. Try using any of these in real-life and it’s almost guaranteed you’re going to end up with a drink being poured over your head.
Dragon Age: Origins: “Have you ever licked a lamppost in winter?”
Today’s round-up kicks off with a pickup line suggested to me by Ellen from Ace Asunder. I’ve not played Dragon Age: Origins myself so the only thing I know of it is what I’ve seen of the clip opposite – and I’m a little bewildered. Does Alistair really believe this is a good flirting technique? I get the feeling he has been hanging out with Garrus (see below) and can’t quite decide if he’s going for sincere or euphemism. But if it’s the former, I’d highly recommend not licking any lampposts.
Getting someone to fall in love with you in the world of Fable is as simple as walking up to them and saying ‘Hey’ in a smooth voice with a raised eyebrow. Add a Manly Arm Pump or Sexy Hero Pose, give the object of your affection a bunch of roses or a box of chocolates and you’re well on your way to marriage. I’m not sure who I’m most annoyed at in this situation. The Hero for being too lazy come up with a less cliched approach, or every single inhabitant of the town for falling for it.
Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers: “There’s something about you. You really touch me.”
As Nathan from Gaming Omnivore found out for himself last year, Gabriel Knight is a total sleazebag who frequently lets his fondness for pretty ladies get in the way of an investigation. He throws pickup-lines at his assistant Grace so often that you know the first time he meets beautiful socialite Malia is going to be cringeworthy. With lines like the one above and “Your legs are so strong, do you work out at one of the clubs?”, he’s lucky she didn’t slap him before kicking him out of her house.
Mass Effect 3: “I’ve got this big gun back at my place I’d like to show you.”
I feel sorry for Garrus. He’s one of the best characters in the Mass Effect series and has some endearing qualities that would make him a great life partner – but he’s going to struggle to find himself one because he just doesn’t have a clue when it comes to romance. After Commander Shepherd tells him he needs a date and introduces him to another turian at a bar, the only thing he can think of to talk about is gun collection. I’m not sure you could say anything else which sounds more like a euphemism.
Metal Gear Solid: “If you make it back in one piece, maybe I’ll let you do a strip search on me.”
It’s impossible to say what I hate most about the conversations in Metal Gear Solid. It could be the way the characters think there’s nothing wrong with calling each other during a top-secret mission and having a chat. Perhaps it’s how Snake feels it’s appropriate to start hitting on the young Mei Ling immediately after being introduced to her, and while others are on the same line. Or maybe it’s the way Naomi fights for his attention by saying she’ll let him do a strip search. Urgh.
Resident Evil 3: “All the foxy ladies love my accent, it drives them crazy.”
Thanks to Luke for Hundstrasse for sending this gem to me. Carlos from Resident Evil 3 believes he doesn’t need chat-up lines because his sexy accent does all the hard work for him. So when Jill wants to ask something, he automatically assumes she’s going to propose a date – but she doesn’t react and instead asks him why he has been sent there. Perhaps Carlos has been taking a few too many tips from the Fable Hero and needs to start putting in a bit more effort when it comes to dating.
The Curse of Monkey Island: “By my congealed blood, you’ll learn to love me!”
Let’s face it: Guybrush Threepwood is a bit of an idiot. He’s sarcastic, insults everyone around him and messes up every plan he’s involved in, and someone as independent and courageous as Elaine would have been far better off with LeChuck. With lines like those he uses however, it’s never going to happen. It’s usually a good idea to not remind the object of affection that you’re a zombie or make them think about your congealed insides when you’re trying to flirt with them.
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves: “Is that an ancient Tibetan ritual dagger in your pocket?”
Anyone who’s ever tuned into our streams will know that Pete and I have different opinions when it comes to Nathan Drake. He thinks he’s a nice guy with a charming cheeky streak; I think he’s an idiot who has far too much good luck on his side. That’s why I’ll never understand what Chloe sees in him or why she constantly flirts with the douchebag. I’ll give her points though for coming up with a bad pickup-line which references his obsession with ancient artefacts though – and I’m not talking about Sully.
And that concludes our lesson on how not to flirt in real-life. Whatever you’re doing for Valentine’s Day this weekend, I hope it involves video games and not licking lampposts.